Ditching Social Media

I find it very possible that I will join the bandwagon of no social media. 

I know there are many different definitions of social media, however, mine- is one where you socially interact with others whom you know and do not know. Basically, Facebook. I have not been a part of Instagram or Snapchat for quite some time now.

This wont be hard.

I find myself when with ‘nothing to do’ reaching for my phone. I have already deleted the Facebook app, but to my fingertips the Google Chrome browser always has Facebook as a home page.

I can’t get away.

I find myself when feeding my son, reaching for my phone because it is so much more interesting looking at strange politics and relatives posts than looking at my dear son.

How awful.

I began reading to my son, and I read quite often that my preemie 6 month old reaches for the books. He touches the pages, intrigued. He loves it. I do not want him growing up looking at me looking at my phone and feeling like he has to compete.

Like, he does not get enough attention. The special kind he needs.

What ever happened to simple silence. Going outside and gardening and looking at the clouds? Technology has advanced so much in the time it takes me to sneeze, and I cannot catch up.

I want to enjoy the moment. Every moment. My husbands presence, my son’s presence. I want them to remember me as someone who cares, someone who made eye contact, someone who loved them enough to put down my phone.

I suppose you must look at the ‘reasons’ why you are on social media. For me? It’s because I am simply bored or ‘have nothing better to do’.

I could be studying for my classes, I could be conversing with my neighbor. It all comes down to the why you do what you do.

For me?

Instead of social media, I will socialize with those around me. I will study for my classes and earn an honorable degree. I will invest time in my sons education as well, early on. I will invest in my community. I will visit nursing homes. I will visit schools. I will learn to play piano. I will learn how to crochet. I will write because it’s a fire inside me to express myself accordingly. I will date my husband and be the best mother to my son.

I think it’s safe to say, I’m putting down my phone.

 

 

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A Very Good Day

I am unbelievably happy right now.

Good things are happening and coming my way.

It feels like a breath of fresh air.

Finally.

I am half way done with my first semester of school for the first time in three years. I will be picking my classes for the Spring semester very soon.

My husband completely surprised me last night for our anniversary by getting off early, bringing me home beautiful red roses, taking me out for ice cream, a walk downtown, and dinner.

It feels like we are dating again.

I literally just put on a pair of size 7 Hollister jeans that I haven’t worn since high school and they fit very comfortably. I still have some baby weight, but I am very happy.

I went dairy-free over a week ago and I am feeling great. I have not been able to lose any weight breastfeeding, however, dairy-free seems to be helping for sure. Baby is definitely less gassy, and when he does pass gas, it is very simple and does not hurt his belly.

Our house is almost completely clean.

I will be arm knitting a blanket today, and crocheting some beautiful Christmas gifts.

It is just a good day. There is so much to be thankful for. I have a great husband, a beautiful, smart son as my family and

I

just

feel

amazing.

NICU

Although, this is just a feeling –

I feel like when a woman gives birth, the baby is given to her to hold afterward. To hold on her skin, to breath on her chest, to beat with her heart.

When my baby was born, he was taken to NICU. At 31 weeks 4 days old.

It was hard. He’s almost three days out of my womb and I still haven’t held him yet. I want to hold him.

Today, his eyes were open and my mother-in-law was standing next to me along with a nicu nurse – he wouldn’t take his gaze off of me. I had to move and go back to my room to pump and put my feet up because the preeclampsia swelling. He started crying.

He knows who I am.

I started crying.

I have to pump. It’s painful, but I need to. It’s how I can be close to him without even being near him. I cannot wait to take him home with me.

I am blessed where science is today.

Where my womb could no longer provide him a home, a safe place here on earth can provide him what he needs so he can survive on his own.

It’s incredible.

I miss him dearly. I can’t wait to see him again.

I love you James.

 

Day Seven

I’ve been here for seven days. The hospital I mean.

It’s been really hard; emotionally, mentally, and physically.

I try not to think about it.

My baby will be born premature. My body is allergic to my baby and his life sustaining placenta.

I cry when I look at my body, how much it has changed in just one week. How many stretch marks I’ve gotten in just one week. How much weight my body is adjusting to. How painful this all is.

At the same time, I look at my body and think what a miracle it is.

My body, that is allergic to my baby is growing life inside of it.

I’m not someone who fancies pregnancy. If you enjoy it, that’s awesome. There must be a reason I have a heart for the orphans.

I think it’s funny how nauseous I was for six months with this little guy. How sick I was. And now I can’t even remember that. At the time I wouldn’t listen to anyone who said, “You kind of just forget about it.” But now, I understand. Well, kind of.

I don’t recall the nausea, probably because there is something more painful and distracting happening to my body right now.

My husband is sleeping, snoring loudly.

I’m grateful he’s next to me. It makes me feel normal. I wish we could sleep in the same bed.

I can’t lean back tonight without throwing up in my mouth. My whole body is swollen with over 20lbs of fluid that I’ve gained in about a week time. I have a head ache that wont go away, going on 36 hours. And painful stretch marks just appeared.

Amazing.

So amazing what a body can go through to bring life into this world.

“Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;  do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you… I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Phil 4

What to expect when you’re expecting

I felt from the very beginning that my pregnancy wasn’t like ones I’ve heard about. Everything I read, everything people told me.

It was just different.

Maybe, it’s different for everyone because it’s everyone’s own experience. But most people had the same words and dispensed the same advice.

The first few months were the worst. So emotional, so hard. I was pregnant with two babies and my nausea was awful. Just a slight smell of something sweet or my husbands morning breath would send me into a long hurl of everything inside me.

I lost the second baby around 8 weeks but cried & prayed constantly that it was a mistake.

People would say, “It’s meant to be this way.” And “God will only give you what you can handle, two would have been too much.”

Maybe, people are just awkward when someone speaks of loss, but those were the two most frequent insensitive things you could say to a pregnant woman.

I was in fear of losing my other baby as well.

People told me that morning sickness lasts only through the first trimester, mine lasted a good solid 6 weeks into the second trimester, it was awful.

Woman spoke of acid reflex which I had none of.

I didn’t hear much about pregnant farts, but they are the worst. They smell so bad, I could barely breathe in my own presence.

Woman told me of when their baby started to move, and how joyful it was for them. I love that my baby moves, flips & kicks, but it’s painful for me. Very uncomfortable.

Woman and doctors say that woman shouldn’t haven’t their period or spotting during pregnancy – except – during the first few weeks of implantation and your body adjusting to the pregnancy.

I spotted my entire pregnancy. I was crampy my entire pregnancy. I prayed my entire pregnancy. I couldn’t bare the thought of losing another baby.

The most painful thing in the world.

I believe she was a girl & bought her a few outfits even though she wouldn’t live on earth to wear them.

I named her Ivy. Because Ivy is a symbol of eternity, it’s always green. She will always live in my heart and in heaven. I like to believe she lives in heaven and the people who have passed before me have told her about her momma and daddy here on earth.

I imagine her having curly blonde hair, skipping, laughing a lot & likes to dress up in dresses like I did when I was a little girl.

I have photos of her on a sonogram with her twin brother. She lived here for a short time, but she lived.

The doctors said at first the spotting was due to me losing the second baby, then after I didn’t stop spotting that I was expected to experience it for the rest of the pregnancy.

— the first doctor I had was extremely insensitive. When the baby was passing I was by myself, and he basically told me very plainly that the child died but it’s ok because I have one that is alive so I shouldn’t be sad. But I erased from my memory the way he said it to me because it was too painful.

I changed doctors & the one I have now is very kind and understanding.

I understand how woman feel during a miscarriage.

Well, maybe I do.

Experience is what you make it.

I can relate to the pain of carrying life inside of you only to be burdened when the life goes on to live somewhere else.

It was very hard. I think about her a lot along with my son whose heartbeat is stronger than ever.

I imagine my son growing up here with me and my husband, I imagine us being happy no matter what life throws us.

I imagine Ivy is dancing in Heaven somewhere while we are dancing somewhere on earth.

Good morning

Mornings outside, drinking coffee & it will be 72 today here in Richmond. If I were still in Florida, I would love to be at the beach today. Soaking up the sun on my pale skin, swimming with those little fishies, and walking on the beautiful white Siesta Key sand. Today, I am missing home. Richmond is my home now, but Florida is my home away from home. I always went to the beach if I was upset, happy, mad, wanted to relax. It was my place, and now.. Right outside my quiet front door is where my place is.

Quiet. I like the quiet.

The peaceful.

The resting place.

Where my soul belongs.